Teachers do more harm than not

 Picture

It was picture day and I was in the small closet room playing on the leap pad. The light was off and I was quiet. Out of the corner of my eye I saw kids lining up to go for the picture, and I figured I had another minute before someone came to get me, so I tried to finish the book I was reading. After a few minutes I looked up and everyone was gone. Panicked, I went into the classroom and it was empty. No one ha remembered me and they all left. I went to the edge of the tile that separated the room from the hallway. I knew I'd get in trouble if I missed the picture so wanted to go down. But I was also scared of getting in trouble for leaving the room. You weren't allowed to leave the classroom without permission and I was terrified of getting yelled at. Unable to leave and unable to stay, I went back to the room to pretend I hadn't noticed them leave at all. How could I get in trouble for something I didn't know, right? Well everyone came back in and went to their desks to eat lunch. I waited a few seconds and then came out of the room. No one noticed. I went to my desk and tried to do my best 'please don't yell or beat me' voice and asked when we were going to do the class picture. The teacher was like ha ha, we just did it dummy. But when she realized I hadn't been there she became very angry. I don't remember what happened next, but I do remember standing for a class photo in the classroom for the photographer. I was still scared and worried, and standing in front of the teacher who through clenched teeth said "I'm going to wring this child's neck." Holding back tears (you get beat if you cry don't ya know) I looked at the camera just in time to plead for help with my eyes.

Stupid head

One of the preschool teachers was teaching us that day (they regularly switched classrooms). I don't know what I was in trouble for, but the teacher was not happy with me. One of the other kids asked "Who's in trouble?" And I replied "Stupid head". Now here's where I'm not sure if my memory is accurate or if I have replayed what I wanted to happen so many times that thats what I remember. The teacher asked "What did you call me?!" I hastily explained that Jacob had asked who was in trouble and I was just answering him. The teacher wouldn't hear me and sent me out. I'm pretty sure it was one of 2 things. A. I was indeed answering the question because I had by then internalized that I was a terrible person and needed to put myself down/show off how dumb I was in order for others to pity/help me OR 2. I did call the teacher a stupid head and used his question as an excuse to try and not get yelled at. Whichever it was, I was still kicked out and hated myself and the teacher.

Incredibles

The Incredibles had been out for about a year and we had the DVD version. In the special features there was the short of the babysitter dealing with Jack Jack. When the villain shows up, she asks what the S stands for on his suit. He says "S...itter! Of course! I wanted to put BS for Babysitter but you know..." Very funny...if you understand it. At the time I didn't know what it meant and was asking a fellow kid at school if they knew, quoting the line verbatim. As soon as I said BS the preschool teacher next to us yelled at me. I didn't know why she was disciplining me for trying to learn something and from then on tried not to ask about anything I was confused about for fear of being yelled at again.

The trifecta

New school, new traumas. The new school I was attending forced all 10th graders to go on a hike. Randomly assigned groups. Not only did I not know anyone, but I had to carry a 50 lb backpack 5 days across an uneven terrain. My stamina bar was small to begin with, and being encumbered slowed me down even more. Well because of safety and lawyers there had to be one teacher at the end of the group. And because of my lack of stamina I was 30-60 minutes behind the main group. Well the  teacher that was stuck with me was an English teacher I didn't have. He was mostly liked by the students but seemed a little gruff and stand office but I didn't have him as a teacher so I didn't know him too well. So it was 5 days of loneliness, anxiety and fatigue. When I saw the cars I was somewhat relieved. No more hiking, but still around people I didn't know. The school year went by, anxiety from teachers and deadlines, the usual. A few months later my English teacher had to miss a day and guess who subbed? The teacher I went on the hike with, okay, whatever, a teacher is a teacher. We were working through Oedipus at the time, and he asked about the gods and how Oedipus went through the story. One of the few times the entire year I actually spoke up, I talked about how the gods basically created a paradox because if they hadn't told him the prophecy, it wouldn't have happened. They were omniscient so wouldn't have seen that happening in the original time line since he didn't leave until they told him about it. The gods would've known that since they can see everything and so it's their fault, maybe they were playing with the mortals. You know what the teacher said back? "Let's not bring religion into this".... It was written about GODS who were WORSHIPPED by subjects and LISTENED to their ALL KNOWING WISDOM. English teachers make you find abstract, existential and sexual meanings in a sentence about how a room has a vase and flowers, but DONT BRING RELIGION INTO THIS. You can bet I didn't speak up ever again unless called upon. The next year there was a day the school set aside for students to read any poetry or writings they had written or just found poignant. I was incredibly nervous but also excited and I signed up to read one of my poems. The day of the readings I'm sitting with my bestie in the back. Student after student went up, and I was anxiously waiting for my turn, my paper peeking out the top of my backpack all ready to go. After an hour my friend was called up, and I was excited hearing what she chose. I was so sure that I was next, I was ready! The announcer went up and said thank you for coming, thats all! Anxiety fear and depression slammed into me. Did I not put my name in? No I was sure I did, I checked several times. I told my best friend because I was so excited. Fearful me was going to put out there something I was proud of. Or not. Later we had the same teacher as a sub. At the end of the class I was the last to turn my paper in, and he looked at me and said "Oh I forgot to put your name on the list for the poetry reading, I'm so sorry, can you forgive me?" 

Forgot. He forgot. HE forgot. I signed up in another teachers classroom, but apparently he helped in some capacity because he forgot to put my name on the list. Every other student who applied had their turn, some who even signed up after me. But he forgot about my name. Whoops. 

The end of my 11th year, I became interested in Japanese culture and language. I hadn't been introduced to many cultures really but this one pulled me. After having taken Spanish for 7 years (it was the only option available) and hating it (mostly the teachers but the language also didn't interest me) I had finally found something I wanted to actually learn. Having not cared about Spanish i put no effort into it, getting Cs and Ds every semester. But Japanese, I was excited to learn, I WANTED to know the conjugations and counting suffixes. A passing Spanish teacher asked me if I knew what I was taking for my last year and I said I was interested in Japanese. She was adamant that I not pursue it. You've taken Spanish for 6 years, how will it look of you suddenly switch to a new language? That won't look good to colleges. Just stay with Spanish. So because I'd been taught (and had beaten into me) that adults knew best and you can't do anything you want to do, I stupidly took Spanish again. The first week you're able to switch classes and I was desperate to change but you can't go against adults. Guess what? Didn't care, didn't try, got a D. What a surprise. Years later I went to community college, took Japanese Culture, Japanese 1, 2, and 3. Guess what? A's across the board. Maybe teachers should care more about the people they're helping grow rather than a statistic that looks good to colleges.

Teachers are meant to guide the next generation not only academically but morally and hopefully in a way that helps them grow into who they are, into someone they love, into someone happy and healthy. Apparently they forget that fact quite a bit. They seem to only care about getting through the day, about as much as us students do.

Bear bear

 It's so annoying when something from another language gets translated but also had the original word. The manga Kuma Kuma Kuma Kuma Bear....Kuma means bear. Just use Kuma or bear!!

Shiba inu...inu means dog! XP

AVP

 Someone said Alien looks like a hotdog. I said well it looks more like something else....WAIT A MINUTE . Suddenly AVP makes so much sense.... :D

Broken Bones

 I've broken my collarbone twice. Same side, 10 years apart. 

First time was at the playground when my cousin was visiting. Her dad spun the circle thing super fast and I was like I WANNA GO ON IT so I ran and grabbed a bar. Unfortunately it was too fast and I was too weak to climb on and after one rotation I was flung off and skidded on my arm right to where they were. 

Second time was at a school football field we lived close to. My brother was playing soccer at the time so my dad and I went to the field to practice with him. It was late at night, very dark. My dad and I were both running for the ball and we ran into each other and boy did it hurt. I thought maybe it was just a sore muscle so I laid down to rest it. Oh boy was that a mistake because getting up was NOT fun. The walk home was excruciating. Dad said well go to bed and if it still hurts in the morning we'll go to urgent care. Yes, it still hurt the next morning. 

Your Outside Perspective

 "She's so childish"

If by childish you mean able to have fun and enjoy life, yes. If by childish you mean immature and lacking, sure. But you are also childish. We all are. Ignoring me and purposely cutting me out of conversations sounds like something a middle-schooler would do. Telling others you didn't say anything to trigger me when I finally explode from the unfair prodding, it boosts your ego and image in their eyes. I understand this mentality, how it works to control others and then play the victim when they finally stand up. I understand the power and giddiness you feel when you cut me down. I am able to understand it because it has been used against me for many years, wearing me down and keeping me stuck in a mode of terror. It is true that I have difficulty thinking when in this mode and subsequently blackout and lash out, trying anything to protect myself only to end up hurting myself upon remembering going against my morals. But at least I feel ashamed of what I've done and who I've hurt. I am able to apologize and try to mend bridges. I am able to recognize what I need to work on for a future perceived "attack" and attempt to calm my fear.

I also wonder if maybe I let you get under my skin because I had gotten over my most recent trauma and needed a new one. I knew you'd be able to provide me with one.

"You don't call family a bitch"

You call out evil when you see it. I'm not calling you evil, it's a quote from an ancient book of wisdom, and it helps get the point across. But you absolutely call out family if they're being cruel, hurting people, or doing something immoral. If we don't, the sexists/rapists/physical and mental abusers of the family continue their behaviors. "No one calls me out, which means what I'm doing is fine and I feel good doing it."

"She's all Approve of me, approve of me"

In some ways I am. I'm not sure what made you think of that during this argument since nothing we said was about people liking other people. But yes, everyone, including me, seeks approval. And some who were neglected as a child have a harder time asking for it/not needing it. Most of the time I don't care if someone approves of me, especially if I dislike their morals/cruelty towards others. What does get under my skin is when they treat me as if I'm beneath them and spread lies about me. 

"Sure I'm an asshole but an honest asshole" 

You are honest in nothing but your need to control. You will talk civilly as long as the conversation is going your way. As soon as someone has a different opinion/actively disagrees, you dig in and shout louder. The loudest always wins. Usually because after a while everyone else gives up trying to reason with you, but you win nonetheless. And this confirms the fact that you are correct, you are on top, you are in control. If someone does not immediately cave into your demands you slowly bully them. You may talk to others about how you need this from the victim, you can't believe how selfish they are, you are very distraught. You may constantly call them and poke them until they are not longer able to resist your demands. And once you have what you want, you ignore them until they become useful to you again.  

"She's codependent, what will she do when her partner isn't there? Her partner is enabling her, it's unhealthy for him but he seems to get off on it."

We are all codependent. Humanity needs connection. Sometimes there are those that are hurt in such a way that they need more connection than others. But we are all codependent, reliant on others. It may manifest as clinging to someone or even controlling those around you, keeping them close. I sometime wonder if maybe I am a little more codependent in some areas than others. But as they say, you must recognize your issues to work on them (There is also the saying that if you can ask yourself if you're crazy you most likely are not) and I am at least able to see my flaws and am able to work on them. I only hope you can one day work on yourself as well, if only for the mental health of your child, who you are guiding towards codependency yourself. My partner and I discuss our relationship openly and often. We recognize our flaws and are actively working on them. You may see it as codependency - something that harms and should be discarded - but we see it as support. We support each other through work ordeals, grief, disappointment, money, everything. A relationship is a partnership, constantly communicating and working together.

"We all have traumas, just deal with it."

Of course we all have traumas. Hurt people, hurt people. Ignorance of emotions, thoughts, morals, consequences, tolerance, these all continue the cycle of narrow mindedness and abuse. Some are more traumatized than others, no one knows what anyone else has been through. Even if it were a similar trauma, it may present differently. Those who have it may not know they are addled with it. They may not have the knowledge to help themselves. They may not have support. They may not be able to even leave their situation. But yes, you dealing with your controlling of others is quite easy and those who are crushed under you should be able to deal with it just as easily.

 

I actively wonder what you will do when your child becomes exactly like me. Maybe not exactly, hopefully they have more support in their life than I did in mine. There's a reason you remind me of my parent, because you scream and control in the exact same way. Your child has started to put others down, a way I used to act to feel like I had power, even if it was cruel and hurtful. Your child has begun to cheat openly in games, a sign that they are looking for a way to win in any situation because they cannot win in any with you. I am both triggered by your actions and projecting my life onto you and your child, seeing in them a younger me that I wish I could help heal, could give them the knowledge they need to work past their negative core beliefs and fight for themselves much earlier than I was able to.

I hope that your child and I work toward a brighter future and live for ourselves.