I've lived half of my life and I'm still stuck in school mode. They push so hard for you to follow their rules and punish you for doing anything outside the norm and now I'm sick in that mindset and scared of anything that isn't dictated to me. And now that there's no one to dictate my life to me, I don't know what to do. I've spent my whole life thinking about how to please others and make them like/not hate/ nor punish me that I have no clue who I am. What I want. If I have an interest in something, do I actually want to pursue it for myself, to accomplish something I enjoy? Or is it just to gain praise from a non existent figure? Even if I could figure that out, I won't be able to go down that path. It's been ingrained in me that if you're not perfect you're worthless so at the tiniest sign of failure I give up so that I won't be on trouble for not being perfect. I hate that I care so much about what others think. They're not paying attention to me, so why do I have to spend every waking moment thinking about them? I'm stuck in this mode and I don't see a way out. Therapy tells me what's wrong, but they just tell you how to cover up the symptoms. I'm still broken. I still don't know who I am or what I want. Why does everyone get to live their lives and I'm bogged down with a swamp of thoughts that I'm unable to swim through? Finding what I love and who I am should be all I'm doing. I shouldn't have to try and keep my head above the water as well. I used to think everyone was depressed, anxious and suicidal as a child, just like me. I kept wondering how others were doing so well against the same issues I had. But apparently no one else did. They didn't have thick waters dragging them down, and having to work so hard to stay afloat.. Here's hoping I don't drown.
