I've lived half of my life and I'm still stuck in school mode. They push so hard for you to follow their rules and punish you for doing anything outside the norm and now I'm sick in that mindset and scared of anything that isn't dictated to me. And now that there's no one to dictate my life to me, I don't know what to do. I've spent my whole life thinking about how to please others and make them like/not hate/ nor punish me that I have no clue who I am. What I want. If I have an interest in something, do I actually want to pursue it for myself, to accomplish something I enjoy? Or is it just to gain praise from a non existent figure? Even if I could figure that out, I won't be able to go down that path. It's been ingrained in me that if you're not perfect you're worthless so at the tiniest sign of failure I give up so that I won't be on trouble for not being perfect. I hate that I care so much about what others think. They're not paying attention to me, so why do I have to spend every waking moment thinking about them? I'm stuck in this mode and I don't see a way out. Therapy tells me what's wrong, but they just tell you how to cover up the symptoms. I'm still broken. I still don't know who I am or what I want. Why does everyone get to live their lives and I'm bogged down with a swamp of thoughts that I'm unable to swim through? Finding what I love and who I am should be all I'm doing. I shouldn't have to try and keep my head above the water as well. I used to think everyone was depressed, anxious and suicidal as a child, just like me. I kept wondering how others were doing so well against the same issues I had. But apparently no one else did. They didn't have thick waters dragging them down, and having to work so hard to stay afloat.. Here's hoping I don't drown.
Sunday, April 7, 2024
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Friday, December 7, 2012
License (to kill?) ^_^
I didn't really want to get my driving license, but my parents pushed me to do it. So if there's an emergency like we're out of milk, I can go out and legally drive. :P
I was having fun not driving, mainly because of my funny phrase: "I can drive. Just not legally." And it's not like I have anywhere to drive to.
But last year I got my permit and drove around with my dad. It was ok. Then he decided that it was time for me to actually get my license, so we planned it for the 5th of Dec.
We went down to the testing area on the Sunday before to practice parallel parking in the actual testing spot, but there was already someone there. And boy, could she not park. It was hilarious watching her. She turned way too late and ended up backing in at a 90 degree angle. Multiple times.
So we left and drove around the streets and practiced other things for about 45 minutes. When we returned, she was still there, and still just as horrible. So you know what I did? I got some BK for lunch, went out onto a road and parallel parked in traffic and did it perfectly (my dad's words, not mine).
When we passed by a third time, she was still trying to do it, and two other cars were waiting for her. I was tempted to tell them not to bother, but was thoroughly irritated by this time, so I just headed home.
When I actually went in for my test, I wasn't really nervous. Until the lady got into the car. I had heard stories of the testing people being non-talkative, but she was really scary. In a "you look at me wrong and I will glare at you so hard your eyeballs will explode" kind of way. I started getting nervous really fast. We did the parallel parking first, and you'd think that I'd pass that, right? I failed it. Apparently I hit the imaginary and invisible car behind me. I apologize, imaginary car.
Then we drove around the streets and she had me back around a corner (when are we ever going to need to do that?). I failed that as well. I can actually do it well, but I failed it because the "corner" she chose for me was a bunch of grass that went out past the actual curb. Which one was I supposed to stick close to?
The grass line or the actual curb? I chose the grass line, and ended up way too far from the actual curb. If I ever have to actually back up around a corner, I'll be sure to find one with a real curb.
By the end of the test, my hands were shaking. You know it's bad when my hands are shaking. I don't freak out to the point where that ever happens. I just get swarms of angry dragonflies in my tummy; (Like it? I made it up myself; I'm not sure if it really captures the feeling, though) but I can keep them under control.
As I parked the car, she starts telling me everything I did incorrectly. My head was trying to keep up with all that she's saying (it was still in shock from her scariness), and it didn't really kick in when she said that I passed. She hands me the paper with my score and exits, leaving me to go, "Huh?" and figure it all out.
Dad was happy that I passed. He said that he didn't pass his first one because the tester was an idiot, but he passed his next one with a 98. I feel bad. I know that I can actually drive correctly, but my score was only 84. That sucks. :P
Now that I can actually drive legally on my own, I'm picking up a friend tomorrow for a Blackadder marathon, I'm going to take my sister out to a movie tonight. My first drive as a legal driver. And I don't really care. You know how everyone gets super excited about driving? I don't care. Sure, now I can drive a deadly metal machine, but I'd prefer being allowed to drive an ultralite aircraft or shoot a gun. They're just about as dangerous, but a yotz of a lot more fun. :)
I was having fun not driving, mainly because of my funny phrase: "I can drive. Just not legally." And it's not like I have anywhere to drive to.
But last year I got my permit and drove around with my dad. It was ok. Then he decided that it was time for me to actually get my license, so we planned it for the 5th of Dec.
We went down to the testing area on the Sunday before to practice parallel parking in the actual testing spot, but there was already someone there. And boy, could she not park. It was hilarious watching her. She turned way too late and ended up backing in at a 90 degree angle. Multiple times.
So we left and drove around the streets and practiced other things for about 45 minutes. When we returned, she was still there, and still just as horrible. So you know what I did? I got some BK for lunch, went out onto a road and parallel parked in traffic and did it perfectly (my dad's words, not mine).
When we passed by a third time, she was still trying to do it, and two other cars were waiting for her. I was tempted to tell them not to bother, but was thoroughly irritated by this time, so I just headed home.
When I actually went in for my test, I wasn't really nervous. Until the lady got into the car. I had heard stories of the testing people being non-talkative, but she was really scary. In a "you look at me wrong and I will glare at you so hard your eyeballs will explode" kind of way. I started getting nervous really fast. We did the parallel parking first, and you'd think that I'd pass that, right? I failed it. Apparently I hit the imaginary and invisible car behind me. I apologize, imaginary car.
Then we drove around the streets and she had me back around a corner (when are we ever going to need to do that?). I failed that as well. I can actually do it well, but I failed it because the "corner" she chose for me was a bunch of grass that went out past the actual curb. Which one was I supposed to stick close to?
The grass line or the actual curb? I chose the grass line, and ended up way too far from the actual curb. If I ever have to actually back up around a corner, I'll be sure to find one with a real curb.
By the end of the test, my hands were shaking. You know it's bad when my hands are shaking. I don't freak out to the point where that ever happens. I just get swarms of angry dragonflies in my tummy; (Like it? I made it up myself; I'm not sure if it really captures the feeling, though) but I can keep them under control.
As I parked the car, she starts telling me everything I did incorrectly. My head was trying to keep up with all that she's saying (it was still in shock from her scariness), and it didn't really kick in when she said that I passed. She hands me the paper with my score and exits, leaving me to go, "Huh?" and figure it all out.
Dad was happy that I passed. He said that he didn't pass his first one because the tester was an idiot, but he passed his next one with a 98. I feel bad. I know that I can actually drive correctly, but my score was only 84. That sucks. :P
Now that I can actually drive legally on my own, I'm picking up a friend tomorrow for a Blackadder marathon, I'm going to take my sister out to a movie tonight. My first drive as a legal driver. And I don't really care. You know how everyone gets super excited about driving? I don't care. Sure, now I can drive a deadly metal machine, but I'd prefer being allowed to drive an ultralite aircraft or shoot a gun. They're just about as dangerous, but a yotz of a lot more fun. :)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Graduation Night...sucked
So my graduation ceremony was saturday night. Yep. Fun. Whoop-de-do.
My favorite teacher gave me my stupid paper...and a card! :) So that was cool.
The food was eh. I really liked the lemonade, though. Hmm....lemonade....now I'm thirsty.
My friend Mecca made me a cool poster because everyone else had one except me. It's really pretty and awesome! :D
My three girlfriends were there, and they gave me presents. More than what they already gave me with their presence. ^_^
I got a super cool box with different traveling locations on it, a cute beanie-baby cat and $50, and my other friend said she'd give me hers later. :O What?! I don't need presents! Birthdays and Christmas. That's it! They could've just given me some lemonade and a hug. I would've been fine. ^_^
The graduation party afterward was horrible. I knew it wasn't going to be super awesome, but I didn't know it was going to be that bad. I don't have any close friends (or possibly even just normal friends) in my grade. I don't know why, but all my friends are either older or younger than me. So going to a party where there were only people my age: bad idea.
I knew I'd probably be alone, and I was right. We got onto buses, and I sat alone.
We went to some Melting Pot restaurant, I was alone. I was (I think) invited to go sit with other people, but it was just a wave, and they were all popular people, so I have no idea. But Alex, who's sometimes singled out - even though he's more well known than me - came and sat down. So we ate meat and some dessert. Wooh. I also talked with an old friend. That was fun. :)
Then we went to some kind of bowling/casino/bar/arcade/golf place. It had a LOT of stuff. Bowling lanes, pool tables, arcade machines, putt-putt gold, fortune-teller, black jack, craps, roulette, bingo, and a photo booth.
I started out on bowling. I got all set up to play alone, when some popular kids asked if I wanted to play with them. Eh, why not? So now I had two set up, and no idea how to shut my solo one down, so I just played both. But I was really depressed, so almost all of my shots ended up in the gutter.
After 4 games, I went and played pool. First with Alex (I lost) and then alone (after about 50 shots and only 2 balls in, I gave up). Wow. Depression really screws with how well you play.
Got my fortune told. Only a few things were semi-almost true.
Then I did one round of blackjack because they gave you raffle tickets for how much money you have. I got 4. I didn't win the raffle. Or bingo, where they only did one round.
I really wanted to take photos of myself (they had props), but it was always full, so by the time everyone else was gone, we were leaving. :(
Well, that was a couple hundred dollars down the drain. Most people say, "It's a one-in-a-lifetime thing!" or "You'll enjoy yourself!" or "Just do it so you can say you did it! It'll only happen once, you know!". Well, I did it, I hated it, it sucked, I now hate myself and what I am. Those people's philosophy's obviously don't work for me.
But my dad's present's made me a little happier. He got me manga stuff because I'm so obsessed with it. ^_^ And then we went to a pawn shop to look for an acoustic electric guitar, and instead, we got Devil May Cry! :D I started playing today, and holy cow. So hard. Phantom keeps killing me. One hit, and most of my health goes down! :( I'm just gonna have to keep on trying!
Well, I'm going to go read my manga and look at my new Black Butler poster. ^_^
My favorite teacher gave me my stupid paper...and a card! :) So that was cool.
The food was eh. I really liked the lemonade, though. Hmm....lemonade....now I'm thirsty.
My friend Mecca made me a cool poster because everyone else had one except me. It's really pretty and awesome! :D
My three girlfriends were there, and they gave me presents. More than what they already gave me with their presence. ^_^
I got a super cool box with different traveling locations on it, a cute beanie-baby cat and $50, and my other friend said she'd give me hers later. :O What?! I don't need presents! Birthdays and Christmas. That's it! They could've just given me some lemonade and a hug. I would've been fine. ^_^
The graduation party afterward was horrible. I knew it wasn't going to be super awesome, but I didn't know it was going to be that bad. I don't have any close friends (or possibly even just normal friends) in my grade. I don't know why, but all my friends are either older or younger than me. So going to a party where there were only people my age: bad idea.
I knew I'd probably be alone, and I was right. We got onto buses, and I sat alone.
We went to some Melting Pot restaurant, I was alone. I was (I think) invited to go sit with other people, but it was just a wave, and they were all popular people, so I have no idea. But Alex, who's sometimes singled out - even though he's more well known than me - came and sat down. So we ate meat and some dessert. Wooh. I also talked with an old friend. That was fun. :)
Then we went to some kind of bowling/casino/bar/arcade/golf place. It had a LOT of stuff. Bowling lanes, pool tables, arcade machines, putt-putt gold, fortune-teller, black jack, craps, roulette, bingo, and a photo booth.
I started out on bowling. I got all set up to play alone, when some popular kids asked if I wanted to play with them. Eh, why not? So now I had two set up, and no idea how to shut my solo one down, so I just played both. But I was really depressed, so almost all of my shots ended up in the gutter.
After 4 games, I went and played pool. First with Alex (I lost) and then alone (after about 50 shots and only 2 balls in, I gave up). Wow. Depression really screws with how well you play.
Got my fortune told. Only a few things were semi-almost true.
Then I did one round of blackjack because they gave you raffle tickets for how much money you have. I got 4. I didn't win the raffle. Or bingo, where they only did one round.
I really wanted to take photos of myself (they had props), but it was always full, so by the time everyone else was gone, we were leaving. :(
Well, that was a couple hundred dollars down the drain. Most people say, "It's a one-in-a-lifetime thing!" or "You'll enjoy yourself!" or "Just do it so you can say you did it! It'll only happen once, you know!". Well, I did it, I hated it, it sucked, I now hate myself and what I am. Those people's philosophy's obviously don't work for me.
But my dad's present's made me a little happier. He got me manga stuff because I'm so obsessed with it. ^_^ And then we went to a pawn shop to look for an acoustic electric guitar, and instead, we got Devil May Cry! :D I started playing today, and holy cow. So hard. Phantom keeps killing me. One hit, and most of my health goes down! :( I'm just gonna have to keep on trying!
Well, I'm going to go read my manga and look at my new Black Butler poster. ^_^
Monday, May 28, 2012
80's Shopping with Best Friends
Yesterday my best friends and I went shopping for 80's clothes. One of my best friends is having an 80's themed birthday party, so we needed to get clothes. Her sister, the 80's expert, helpe us to find what we needed for our different personalities. We mainly just got brightly colored shirts jean shorts, and leather. ^_^ Her sister also cut our shirts and jackets. It was fun. :)
When we were done, we went back to my house because I had a curfew, but we got home about an hour early, so we played some games until they had to leave. Right after they pulled around onto the street, my dad comes out and says, "Oh, by the way, if they're ok with it, you can spend the night." Wow! Thanks dad! A little late there! ^_^ Anyway, it was possible, so we did it. It was awesome. We played with the kitties. :)
When I got home today, I just played Primal until I got stuck a couple times and then moved onto Rocky Horror! Woohoo! Tim Curry in a corset. And Meatloaf. Oh yeah. Such an amazing movie. Best 2 days in a long time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)